"When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
-- Khalil Gibran
Nostalgia fills days like today. Memories of driving out to the lake on warm, spring days, with the sun shining over the hills of the Palouse Highway drift through my thoughts. It's getting easier, these days, the days that bring up past memories that just scream "Mom" all over them. Fall may have been her favorite season, March the month she called her own, and the Christmas season may be filled with traditions steeped with her memories, but it's the summer that I'm going to miss her most, the summer memories that I'm going to cherish forever.
As the sun slowly breaks through the Seattle rain, I feel her. I feel her in the sunshine that brings me back to sunny afternoons of yesteryear. I feel her in the warmth it brings to our new home in a way only her home ever felt like. When we bought this house, I felt conflicted, in a number of ways, but mainly, we were only able to get this house because we had lost her, and that left me with a bit of guilt. Then, Brian set me straight. That's not it at all. This house isn't something that I'm getting through the "profits" of our loss, instead, this is something that she's giving us. When we are in this house, it's as though she is now holding us in the palms of her hands, making sure that we are taken care of. And, as I sit in this house on days like today, he's right. While she can't be here in person, she's here. I can feel her comforting reassurance all around me, in a way I'll never feel again in my childhood home. And that's okay. Or, at least it's getting to be okay.
Life continually shapes how we experience the world, and we change and grow accordingly. To resent that, to resist that, is to deny any of the enrichment in our lives that may result from those experiences that we may wish had never come our way, experiences we would never wish upon any other person. But, in the end, these are the events that will ultimately shape the people that we become. These are the things I keep telling myself, as I learn to find joy in each cherished memory I have of her, and even the ones that weren't so great. Each one helped to shape me into me.
So, for every day that it feels like one long, endless downpour, it's important to look for the sun. Maybe we can't see it right now, it's still there waiting for us behind the clouds.
